Bob Jane to Close Stores and Sell via E-bay
In a brave move that has turned many heads within the Australian motoring industry, Bob Jane T-Mart's have announced a revolutionary way to do business in today high tech world.
The announced today that Bob Jane T-Marts would close heir remaining 8 or 9 stores nationwide and that the company would start selling exclusively through online auction site ebay.com.au - username : a_lasa_4u
Bob Jane who held a press conference from his hospital ward at the "The Centre for Cancer Infested Arseholes" in Los Angeles, California announced the plans and new direction for the company "as being the biggest revolution in business since something called 'The Ravelling Nancy'.
(- we have no idea what the hell he was talking about! we can confirm he was smoking some very funny weed like stuff during the whole press conference - ed)
Photo: Bob Jane announces all new ebay.com.au tyre store at press conference this morning.
(We think Bob need to stop smoking the weed as it's effecting his business sense - ed)
(We think Bob need to stop smoking the weed as it's effecting his business sense - ed)
"I'm very farken proud of this brave new move which will be overseen by himself and his son Rodney and i know it means a great new direction for the whole Bob Jane T-Marts team".
Bob stated "Rodney is actually doing the whole sign-up process for eBay on his very own computer as we speak, he better not fark it up!. It's my opinion that closing all our remaining stores around Australia is vital to our long term success in the market place. I can see the potential of being able to sell x10 times the amount of farken tyre's on eBay for just .99 cents and still make a decent profit.
Overall the store closures are due to a major shift in the whole consumer market, something we've not seen since the i was a wee boy. Customers are now using their computers to buy everything from toothpaste to tyre's and we will be there for them, ready to serve with a smile and to take their farken cash!. My vast knowledge of the wheels and tyre's industry tells me people are no longer going to buy tyres or any product for that matter, unless it's for farken sale over the farken world wide web".
he continues...."it farken well makes business sense to move our company into this massive new online market place - 100%. After carefully looking at the best online opportunities, we felt that eBay was the site to use for our all new sales direction. It's the only way forward and it will make us the market leader for another 100 to 200 years. Customers will buy direct from the comfort of their own homes and we also will offer an additional new mobile fitting service, where myself and other members of my management team will arrive at a customers house or work place with our all new horse and cart fitting team. We will then fit the tyres completely by hand....and free of charge.....it's pure farken genius!"
Bob has recently taken delivery of 12 ex-Carlton and United Draft horses who have been in operation since the late 1920's. He plans to have members of his middle management and accounts department to be driving them and to be fully mobile in 3-4 different area's of Melbourne within a few short weeks as the new operations are put into place.
Jane says on planned store closures as "it totally farken necessary and good solid business sense. All existing retail outlet's will be closed down within the next 2-3 weeks and will offer current farking store owners a position on one of our new mobile horse and cart fitting mobile units. We also have major plans to give all current operators up to 4 million restricted shares options as part of our planned company listing on the ASX. The IPO could be underway as early as the later part of 2007 and will allow for expansion into new markets overseas such as China, Tonga and possibly Tasmania and farken Kangaroo Island.
Bob says that "by closing all the farken stores and having a single centralised distribution center as well as fully sustained horse stable, plus cosy lodgings for our current staff who will almost certainly be farken homeless after i've farken finished the final reconstruction of their farken current company positions. In turn lowering company overheads and increase profit's by more than 2000% in the first 5-6 months. I can see us selling over 2 - 3 millions all new Lasa super low profile tyre's within the first month on eBay alone. We have just signed a massive contract to sell 100 million Lasa tyres in the first 5 years in Australia.
This way we can do away with all the so-called quality brands such as Yokohama and Bridgestone, which are nothing more that overpriced retread. The Lasa brand will be on every car in Australia within 10 years. They will take 80% of the tyre market in the near future.
Jane wouldn't elaborate much further on the upcoming IPO, but did conclude the press conference (before passing out) by saying "our plans are to introduce a fair and reasonable company share float of no more than 5 billion shares in the first offering. We don't want to dilute the company value too much. All our current T-Mart operator's will be given first options on 3-4 million restricted shares which they will never be able to sell into the market as the the restriction is until 2095 AD. hehehehehe
